Shel-chan

This means not the end; it is just a goodbye

Eda got both my 25,000 & 26,000 kiribans... lol I'll draw her something nice
mesitka got the 28k kiriban and now I owe her a picture too...
30,000 kiriban caught by IM-SteelAngel
31,000 kiriban goes to MEEEEEE weeeeeeee 8D

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Heeey. Under any other circumstances I'd be proud of my country for having gotten on BBC headlines... just not this.
I feel like we have a day of mourning every half year lately...
Six killed by Bratislava gunman

It was in the part of city where my mom lives. She was in work, though. Or I hope so... *grabs the cell phone* ...and all of my friends should be alright... I can't know for sure because dogForum.sk is down.
Nah. Btw civils aren't supposed to own an automatic rifle in here... weird.

Btw we've got new icons.

Just the gifs doesn't work...
But we have a stamp now:
Sorry for the journal spammage - two during one day...

EDIT: okay. Forget I EVER wrote anything... And by the way, it's eight dead now...

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My girlfriend and best friend:
My best friends lately:
My sister:

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I'm a Gryffindor Prefect in

"The Best", all my FCs and the other stuff: shel-chan.deviantart.com/journ…

Newer 'The Best' journal with the requests and stuff: shel-chan.deviantart.com/journ…

This means not the end; it is just a goodbye

Eda got both my 25,000 & 26,000 kiribans... lol I'll draw her something nice
mesitka got the 28k kiriban and now I owe her a picture too...
30,000 kiriban caught by IM-SteelAngel
31,000 kiriban goes to MEEEEEE weeeeeeee 8D

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Hi everyone,

I would like to inform you that as of last Tuesday I am finally through with the first grade of University I passed my last exam with flying colors, which means that my grades this school year are as following:
first term:
Biology - Fx, E
Latin - B
Organization of Kynology - A
second term:
Anatomy - Fx, C
Fyziology - E
Histology - C
Etology and Behavioral Disorders - A
Zootechnics and Dog Breeds - A

Isn't that great? I'm kind of looking forward to the second year (even when the thought that the next one will be the last one is quite weird ) - mostly because I finally found myself a living. I'll live in a HUGE flat/apartment on the basement with 4 other girls - one will be Darcia, who got little Shiva/Lupu (Cinnaberry's the Big Picture), a rough haired smooth Collie from Finland, and a rattery called Daemonic, and Rika, who's got a nice Beagle and Jack Russell Terrier. And we gotta yet find those two other girls ;;; I just hope that I'll be able to find a part-time job, because it's gonna be pretty expensive :< and it's right between to the Railway Station with its big park and the Main Street. Hence the wage =___='

Little Lupu and big Sheimi (they look like identical twins! ):

photo by © Silwuch

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With this cleared, I am finally back to the Internet, fighting off all the comments, deviations, replies, email and journals. It's eating my brains out, but I'm trying... TTATT;;; I feel very guilty for not doing my job as an admin properly - on all my groups: Style-fans, Harry-potter-club where I'm a Gryffindor Prefect, and in Shelties. Also, I'm slacking off on drawing; I SO wanted to start and finish all the request, trades, Squibies, commissions and everything, and I DID try, but in fact, I just can't put the tip of pencil onto the paper. I can sit there for hours, uninspired, knowing exactly what I want to draw, but completely unable of doing it. I don't know if any of you know the feeling, but it's making me desperate.

I am also horribly out of money, with 10 rats eating my non-existent savings and my computer having a new problem every week. I also lost my mobile modem - well, technically, I know exactly that I left it on the seat number 92 in the wagon number 8 in the InterCity train from Bratislava to Kosice last Monday, but NOBODY there in railways know ANYTHING about it. So someone must have stolen it. Nice. Just FYI, it'll cost me 40€ to get new. And I DO must get a new one, because I have the contract signed for one more year of the service, thus have to pay for it.

That means I desperately need to get a part-time job. I'm ruining my mom.

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Okay, so I'm honestly sorry for not responding to your messages and e-mails for the last month, I will try to fix it, I really will T___T and I will try to draw, but it's HARD. I'm sorry, I feel like such a loser...... :tearful:

Also, I'm completely high on BBC!Sherlock with both Eda and Ella, to the point when a week ago, I announced that "I feel like before I got to know Sherlock I didn't really know what it meant to be a fan of something". Well, that's pretty self-explanatory I think.
And last night I even pre-ordered the newly coming DVD - I think it's totally worth the (Eda's ) money and today, one day before the official release, they dispatched it - YAY!

On completely different note, I got myself a tumblr. it's here: sheltinka.tumblr.com/
And I'll be still happy to answer your questions on formspring.me: www.formspring.me/Sheltinka

Bye for now!

P.S.: new BBC twin icons!



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My girlfriend and best friend:
My best friends lately:
My sister:

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My groups:
My FCs:
I'm a Gryffindor Prefect in

"The Best", all my FCs and the other stuff: shel-chan.deviantart.com/journ…

Newer 'The Best' journal with the requests and stuff: shel-chan.deviantart.com/journ…

This means not the end; it is just a goodbye

Eda got both my 25,000 & 26,000 kiribans... lol I'll draw her something nice
mesitka got the 28k kiriban and now I owe her a picture too...
30,000 kiriban caught by IM-SteelAngel
31,000 kiriban goes to MEEEEEE weeeeeeee 8D

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Okay, so... a journal.
But it isn't another weepy one, I swear! (the fancy edit at the end)
I'll tell you about things I've been doing during not-being-really-here and not answering your comments (nor those to my last journal, sorry).
I kind of got used to V7, if anyone was still curious. Though I still think it's not the best layout out there... Anyways.

I've been having exams, as you all probably know. But despite telling everyone that I gotta learn (which I did get!), I have spent a little time studying. More of it was spent by myself telling myself that "I can't do anything until I pass my exams". I am sorry for that, but I can't do much under pressure. And now it's "I can't do anything until I tidy up Eda's room" QAQ

On 3rd July I went to the Czech Republic to the meeting called "Weekend with Sheltie" (the same event I went to last year to pick up Sheimi), along with Sheimi, Eda and Cassie. It was hilarious - those were four days of burning SUN, unexpected but refreshing pool (Eda didn't take swimsuit T__T), agility trainings - I am SO clumsy at it!!, dogdancing revision, obedience training, having buffet breakfast, but before that waking up before six to go trailing with him and couple of other silly devoted people. But I just couldn't have not go - he's really good in tracking the scent, we found out! He learned that incredibly quickly and I have the suspicion that it might have become his most favorite discipline
On the last day, Tuesday the 6th, we attended the contests - in all three - agility, obedience and dogdancing, but won in none of those. At least Eda was not angry - she forbid me to win in any contest because it would be impossible to us to carry it home through all those trains

When we got home I was completely dead, so I just wanted to go sleep. And when I was about to take rats out of the room (I can't sleep when Sushi is messing around, grr) I remembered that I could as well feed them () and so I did. But when both Sushi and Berry were "upstairs" feeding, I registered that one of the rats is still squealing, and it went from the rat house... shortly I found out that in the rathouse there were 10 little rat babies hidden!! Naked, without hair, blind, ears closed, and squeaking as if they were being skinned... I nearly got a heart attack (we knew that Sushi and Berry were boy and girl, yeah. But when we got Berry, we kept them apart, but it seemed like they managed to get her pregnant anyways during feeding together, so I didn't see the point of keeping them apart anymore when we got to Bratislava and I had only one big enough cage... but she wasn't pregnant one month, two... and we assumed that Berry lost any interest he might have in Sushi, or he was just impotent or something. It was quite a surprise to find those kids in there... ;

The next day (7. 7. 2010) we went to the Hebi's birthday party. It was fun, and even when some important people were missing, I am glad we got to see many of each other

This Tuesday I went back to Kosice to try to pass my exams, but I doubted being able to do so because I hadn't learnt much. That day with Natal I revised all Anatomy questions people gathered from their own exams and hoped it would help... there were about 8 of us on the exam, but only two people have made it. One girl got E and the other... was me!!! And I got C!!! I feel (and still do) so relieved because of it! C:
Then on Wednesday I was due to have another exam - from Etology. Which I had not learned anything for. I wasted the whole day and then left Natal's dorms room at about midnight to study for the exams. It took me four hours to only read those 66 pages, and I felt that I'm screwed. And I was lucky to even get that date, because it was full... the limit of students was set to 8, but after me and one of my classmates mailed the professor they changed the limit to 16. About 10 people actually came, but they all kept saying that it'll be so difficult and the teachers want to hear the exact formulas and medical terms of the behaviors and how they had been learning it the whole month... some of them had it as the first reparation, so I estimated my chances at zero. But I was lucky enough to pick the first question which suited me - "Konrad Lorenz and his contribution to Ethology" - I almost burst into tears of happiness, because I had a vague idea about his work because I read his book (and loved it C: ). The other question - not so much: it was "Methodology of the behavior research, measuring individual features and influence of social deprivation". Like... what the fuck, I thought. I decided to stick to my original plan - "if you don't know, think up something instead". And guess what? It worked!
Then I was lucky enough that the young male professor was to examinate me, not the female everyone was talking about. But I knew it wouldn't help much - especially when his first words were "if you know only one question and have no idea about another, you won't pass - you can as well leave right now". And then after some time that we had to prepare, he asked who of the three or four of us wants to go first. Naturally, noone answered, and so... he chose me ;; He actually had to tell me to speak up after a while because he couldn't even hear me ; but then I talked and talked... he wasn't even letting me finish, and I answered all his questions, even the extra one that wasn't in scripts about Eberhard Trumler, because I read the book. Then he told me to go with him and we left to meet the other professor. And when she asked... he told her to write "A" there!!! 98 percent, can you believe that?!

I am so relieved. That means there is only one exam left, and that is the one I got to have A from, because it's from the "Zootechnics and dog breeds", like... the most basic and my kind of favorite subject. So, my grades till now are:
Anatomy: Fx, then C
Histology: C
Physiology: E
Ethology: A
Zootechnics: ?
Cool, eh? XD

Another thing. The rats. Now... as impossible as it sounds, we currently have 15 of them in here.
Sushi and Berry, those you know. If you don't, you can read about them in my Livejournal. And then there are the 10 of their babies. Currently, they look like this:



If any of Slovaks read that and feel they'd want an intelligent but cuddly ratty friend (preferably too, they're very social), feel free to note me. We've got males and females, berkshires, huskies and hoodeds, all in black & white with the gene for Russian Blue. They are for sale at the beginning of August.

That said, I need to confess that since I'm planning on founding a rattery I bought another rats - this time with pedigrees. Those are:
Bendy (Bendikút Mišík, nicknames: Bendy or Merlin, born on 6th of June 2010, male, color: Russian Dove, eyes: ruby, markings: husky/blazed (?), variety: standard hair / dumbo ears. Bought in Kosice on Tuesday, he is a sweetheart. Being really well socialized, I am not ashamed to say that he became my most favorite rat now.
Airin (Airin Tasha, we'll see about other nicknames ;), born on 5th of June 2010, female, color: Burmese, eyes: black, markings: solid (self), variety: velveteen / standard ears (with dumbo gene). Bought in Bratislava today, she is unsure of people yet, but being the rat girl she is, she is very hyperactive.
Anouk (Anouk Tasha, nicknames: Nanuk or Arthur, born on 5th of June 2010 (Airin's brother), male, color & markings: Himalayan, eyes: red, variety: satin / standard ears (with dumbo gene). Bought in Bratislava today, he is probably going to replace Berry with the label "the skueaky one". Even more scared of people (and practically everything) than his sis, he will require a lot of attention to overcome that.

Don't kill me plz.

Photo time (but only for rats)!


Berry & Sheimi, Airin & Sushi, Bendy & Anouk (they're full of Merthurness!!)

P.S.: as you've probably noticed, we're watching Merlin ;;

P.S.II: as I wrote this journal, Sushi bit me till the point of bleeding - pretty deep, actually. The bitch.

P.S.III: ask me something on formspring.me, dammit!

Aaaand... that should be it.

Also, I'll now dedicate myself to the requests, hopefully, and then start doing commissions. Would you like that?
But I have so many things to do... baww. And am getting up in five hours of such. Baww.
Remind me of your requests I promised you, I shall add them here tomorrow. Note that most of them I'll have noted already, anyways, but better safe than sorry, right? ;

EDIT: Yeah, and I forgot. Yesterday I went to the Bratislava Inline. I called Karai, she didn't want to come. Then I called Kai and prepared myself to hear another "no", but she surprisingly agreed. Nonetheless, when I called her less than hour before she was due there, she said she isn't going anywhere. But I was prepared and thus go. Only in the Viktor's car I found out it's not gonna be behind Aupark as usual, so we had to change our plans again. I finally got there and even managed to stand in the line to stand of Help.eu, which motto was uber-cool (lol): For the Life without Tobacco. I got a neat wristlet, lol. Then it started, and I'll spare you the usual blah-blah But during the break at VUB bank (I decided that pushing through the sweaty crowd to get your coke or drink is the most disgusting part of it whole, itself worth of the extra shower at home) I got an accident - the whole frame of my right Rollerblade got loose and I (!!!) fell (that's for those who wouldn't believe I could actually fall, lol ). It was one screw that managed to unscrew itself, but... what angers me really is that that once another screw got loose and I lost it, it was one of the first wheel. And even this situation happened once - the frame going loose. I ask - what the FUCK is wrong?! You know I take care of my inlines. HOW is it possible that three of those accidents happened to me during mere one and half year?! Doesn't the designers have no judgment?! If it happened during the ride and not at the break, I could have very well died. Oh, the joy. And I wondered why it kept doing the clicking sound every time I hit the ground, but couldn't find any of the wheels' screws faulty... I always carry inbus screwdriver and a first-aid kit on me, but yesh, you guessed it - not yesterday. Which meant the ride was over for me. I got my knee and elbow scraped and my hardly-gotten coke splattered on the pavement TAT What's bad is that both my joints hurt badly now as they've been hit hard. Oh well. Just thought I might share when I was there alone...

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My best DA friends:



My girlfriend, my sister, my Dearest Uke, my twin-soul, and then my chibis:

[You dare touch any of them and I'll cut off your hand, because I'm merciful. Touch them the second time and I'LL BITE YA TO DEAD]

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My FCs:

The FCs I'm in: ...

I am Ike in the South Park Crew on dA

"The Best", all my FCs and the other stuff: shel-chan.deviantart.com/journ…

Newer 'The Best' journal with the requests and stuff: shel-chan.deviantart.com/journ…

This means not the end; it is just a goodbye

Eda got both my 25,000 & 26,000 kiribans... lol I'll draw her something nice
mesitka got the 28k kiriban and now I owe her a picture too...
30,000 kiriban caught by IM-SteelAngel
31,000 kiriban goes to MEEEEEE weeeeeeee 8D

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I'm leaving.

I can't stand it anymore.

I haven't got yet used to the stacks (finally unsettable, at least), new deviations pages design, header panel, unability to use mood icons, new ugly enmotes, scroll down menus, heck, not even the new change of colors that occurred hell of a time ago. And now?

...have you opened any deviation's page yet?
Don't do it.
Just don't.
What.
The.
F.

If you are in Slovakia like me, you wish you've never woken up into this nightmare, right?

I hope I'll manage to muster enough courage to face the new dA look soon. Since then, bye.

...what makes me suddenly think that the more-than-one-year subscription was a waste of money?
I wanted to support my deviantArt home, but seeing where my money went makes me wanna throw up.
I could have taken Sheimi to agility trainings, really.
And no llamas can make up for it, no matter how awesome they are.
I may sound childish, I know. But I tried to voice my opinions in reasonable, polite way after the past few remakes of dA, and I'm sick and tired of not being listened to. I just can't take it anymore.
I miss dA already. But I'm sure I won't miss this weird new creation which has swallowed my art, stolen it from my devious home, dehonested it even.

MAKE IT STOP ALREADY, PLEASE!!!

btw | diablo2003 | nadeje klubu | horrible news _{(not that you haven't noticed yet)}

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Create your own visitor map!



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My best DA friends:



My girlfriend, my sister, my Dearest Uke, my twin-soul, and then my chibis:

[You dare touch any of them and I'll cut off your hand, because I'm merciful. Touch them the second time and I'LL BITE YA TO DEAD]

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My FCs:

The FCs I'm in: ...

I am Ike in the South Park Crew on dA

"The Best", all my FCs and the other stuff: shel-chan.deviantart.com/journ…

Newer 'The Best' journal with the requests and stuff: shel-chan.deviantart.com/journ…

This means not the end; it is just a goodbye

Eda got both my 25,000 & 26,000 kiribans... lol I'll draw her something nice
mesitka got the 28k kiriban and now I owe her a picture too...
30,000 kiriban caught by IM-SteelAngel
31,000 kiriban goes to MEEEEEE weeeeeeee 8D

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First will go non-abstract things... agreed?
...

Today, I taught Sheimi yawn on cue!
You don't believe me? See the videos by yourself! www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzIjK5…
He is so clever, makes me so proud

Kosice are terrible. I totally hate it here, and it's not only that I'm biased.

You know, I was even packed to leave that doghouse (we call it also cvokhaus - loony bin), but at last, the plan failed. And I gotta say that I was glad, because as much as I want to LEAVE, I was scared of moving. To another stranger, a man, alone, and on top of that - only for a month.
But... have I mentioned that Dasa (one of the "girls" I live with) is a complete whore? It's not like I was fretting, but... imagine the person that irritates you the most... then imagine them making it even worse on purpose... and then imagine you had to actually live with them.
Oh yeah.

Oh! You don't know that Sheimi had his leg broken, right? So, yeah. That was her. Her dog, I suppose. She refused to pay for the operation even when it was horribly obvious that it had been her monster-dog (HUGE one). Which isn't even her, but that's another chapter.

Now Sheimi's leg is better - he has the bandage removed for a couple of weeks already. I am glad, because I'm quite enjoying walks with him when I'm alone in this goddamn city, especially during weekends.

On another news - another rat has joined us! :D
There was a notice on the noticeboard in dorms that someone sells their rat for €1,3. So well, I got the idea and called there - and it was exactly how I thought it would: a girl bought herself a rat and then some unexpected problems occurred, leaving her without any other choice than to get rid of him. I don't know what her "family matters" really were, but I can guess oh well. He was quite young, too - she said they bought him only thiiiiis little and she had him for 2, maybe 3 weeks.
Of course I took him. I thought he was b&w husky, but actually, he is a silver husky - so pretty! :D what disturbs me is that the last time, my second rat was a silver husky as well... oh well.
But of course, the rat is a male, so I can't keep him with Sushi but they can at least play together outside the cages :D (which are really small, may I add ) ...and Sheimi, curious as he is, always joins them X too ad they are perfectly photo-proof xDDD;
...by the way, his name is Berry :3
(...it has been most probably "Bary" originally, but who cares... now he fits both to Sushi (as food) and to Sheimi (as from Pokemon )

Oh yeah, Pokemons! DDD:
I LOVE MY NEW SOUL SILVER!!! >A<
...but I'd love it a lot more if Nintendo didn't consist of utter assholes who won't let us play Black & White unless we have at least DSi. Which we are NOT getting, by the way
And the Pokewalker... I loved the idea, it was cute, unless... it's pretty, but useless :[ too little free unlockable paths - one trek with Shay and dog-friends was enough to unlock all four (or such) at once ;;;;;;; L.O.L.
Also I hate the idea of the Pokemons gaining levels there - you miss on the attacks! I lost the opportunity on my Mareep like this, and now she is on level 15 or such and is still totally useless and you don't get effort value points - nothing. Ewww.

I am failing two classes (and since today, three tests) by now. And it will be worse :D I hate this city. I know it's not its fault, but the city and school are connected, of course. And especially in my mind.
I wanna go home~

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<sub>...Which brings me to what I originally wanted to write. I'm gonna write this as illigibly as I can (small font, n paragraphs, loooong wall of text), because lately, I'm not exactly too fond of the idea of sticking my heart onto some internet page - the profile page, even. Because lately, I -more than ever- feel like I've been faking everything. You know... it sucks, because it seems like I can't really find out which of the two of my faces is real. Lately, I feel like all the kindness in my comments and actions was fake and somewhat compulsory, but also that my "thoughness", which I demonstrate IRL was only feigned and I'm just a rude, weak kid with big mouth. I want to believe that I'm wrong - that the real me is the one you believe it is - the sweet one, the one who can find something positive on everything, who can criticize your pictures without bringing you down, because she will finish the comment with something nice. The one who knows everything about dogs, one who will try to be the voice of reason when you are in row with somebody, whether in real or internet fight. The one who'll go out with you, or on sleepover, and will go shopping, fight with bokens, make bets, buy you an ice cream, draw, laugh, lie in grass with you. The caring one who will cook for the whole "family" (which I think we were <3 ) while they are having fun in the next room, and who will be happy to be of use. The one who will tell you what is wrong in your sketch, the one who'll install that not-working program for you, the one who tries her best to give you an advise to help you out of trouble, the one who will walk you home and be glad for the opportunity to spend time with you. The one on whose shoulder you can cry when your whole life goes wrong. When I think of those things, I remember all the precious years I spent with you, may they be only two or such. With you, with my Narusho people. Hibirds. My family; my friends. And I miss it really, really terribly. You remember AnimeShow? I came because I wanted to see everyone so badly. It hurts to not have anyone to go out with, especially when you were used to be with loads of people, every day. The heartache reminds me the one I get when thinking of The Play. I miss that terribly, too. And the worst on it is the thought that I'll never get to experience it again... all the sleepless nights, when we spent hours and hours talking - talking nonsense, and at the same time, talking the greatest stories of all. They weren't just stories - they were another lives. My heart ached every single time someone was grieving there, or broke up with somebody (that used to happen a lot XD ), or just felt plainly bad. It hurt every time I knew that my character wanted something (or someone) that they could never get. Or when they were on the other end - they couldn't give what someone else wanted. The pain was real, may the characters be not. I know it's weird, but... when, once, you become a great mangaka, you will find out that you care about all your characters just the same amount - a whole lot :>
And even despite I'm sure all those things were real... are they now? I feel like a shell. Always saying how hard the school is being, but never really learning. Pretending to care, but studying only hours before every exam, hardly even managing to read everything. (Have I mentioned that I got another test in... 12 hours? I never looked into the materials.) Having no time for anything, procrastinating badly... but for what? Because of school? No... Because I hardly devote any of my time to school, to be cruelly honest. Is it because of the Internet? What on earth am I doing here the whole hours? Oh yeah, I remember... I sit here, refreshing the stupid message centre and gmail every fucking two minutes. Every day! I'm waiting for a nice comment from a stranger. A long one... a known person wouldn't work, I need someone to set on my curiosity. Or maybe a friend would work, but it has to be long. And then I reply. And then? When I get the reply back, I pile it up, in the stock of millions alike messages. Maybe I will even read it, but I never answer. I'm very happy that I've got the reply I kept waiting for - and it doesn't bother me that I don't get another because I never replied myself. It's disgusting, in my opinion. I disgust myself, isn't that precious? Yeah... and that's why you never see anything from me in your inbox anymore... that's because I don't draw anything anymore, why you haven't received your kiriban prize yet, that's because Sheimi's webpages haven't been updated for evar, that's why we still don't have blue merle Sheltie adoptable on Squiby. Because I am lame like that and always seek excuses instead of actually moving my ass and do some goddamn business. That's why I'm starving, because I can't get a part time job. My favorite phrase? Something along the lines - "yep, I'm almost finished, leave me be". I need to get a part-time job and I need to find somewhere to live next academic year. I have a shitload of stamps on my profile, messed up without order, and a shitload of "new" messages in my inbox. All of them. DevArt, gmail, YouTube, LiveJournal, FanFiction.net, y!Galz... you name it. Fuck. Why can't I get myself to do anything? Argh. But that's probably who I am. Egoistic, self-centered, lame-humored, ironic, insulting bitch. Who is a bitch to everyone without exception. Upsetting my friends like that, making strangers hate me, leading people who know me to banning me. Making myself foes, which I never had. You can't imagine how sorry I am that seemingly 98% of people can't get what I'm saying, I mean..č. will get it differently from me. And what angers me the most is that I can't blame them - if someone was so mean to me, I would probably rip them apart with my teeth myself. It's the thing Janka (the one with Yaschka the Rough Collie) surprised me the most with, when she said that she gets my humor and likes me for being honest and straight, even when for most people I am too straight (which is kinda weird, considered I'm basically queer XD ). It's nice, but... I don't feel that way. She somehow automatically ranked me into her category "people with good heart" (which, by the way, is a very good way of sorting people "into boxes"), but I don't feel that way. I am especially upset when I think of things I sometimes do to Sheimi, when I'm very angry and he doesn't know what I'm expecting of him. And when I'm angry, what enrages me even more is when the subject of my anger is showing weakness - apologizing, crying, in dog's case giving their paw, licking their face or my hands, cowering, pissing. And then, when I hit them, squealing and whining. I beat the dog even when I'm fully aware of that I shouldn't do it. I bite him in the ear because I know it hurts him the most. Are you still reading? Because that is me. THAT is why I am feeling so bad about myself. Loosing my anger on the one I love the most. The one who isn't guilty! The one I've always longed for, and I still do, whenever I'm parted. The same goes for Eda. Remember my Creek fics? The ones based on Puds' original? I could write in Craig's perspective so well because it was exactly how I felt. About two years ago, it was what I feared the most - that I would lose it and hit her. I so didn't want to hit her. Then why don't I have an issue like that with Sheimi? Why I am even able to raise my hand against him? It pisses me off. I piss myself off. It's unbelievable how cruel I can be. I want to write "how cruel a person can be", but I'm goddamn well aware of that it's about one concrete person.
...heck. I have a problem there. Okay... I will go to my psychologist to prescribe me something to keep my anger in control with. How comes that I've realized only now? It was so simple... dude.
Dude.
You can't imagine how happy I've just become. To realize that one simple thing could keep Sheimi from suffering, to keep me from severing the strong bond we share. I probably believed that I can deal with it by myself. Just like with cursing. If you're not Slovak, you don't know how much I'm cursing. And three years ago, a word like these wouldn't even leave my mouth. I was a nazi when it came to cursing, just like I am a grammar one. I want to stop cursing, but I can't. I keep telling myself that I can, because many years ago, I've managed it. But I'm not so strong anymore... I hope all this questioning of myself is just a part of puberty and it will eventually fade away. I want to keep in being what I used to be... I've always respected the laws a lot. But now I respect the laws so much that I simply won't repeat the command to the dog, and then when he doesn't obey (because he's probably forgotten what I originally wanted while trying some other things) for longer time I get frustrated and hit him. It's really awful... Ironically, I like to be the one to teach people about clicker training and non-aggressive methods of training your dog. Because I know it all. And it worked, just... just. I don't know. And the school is making it even worse. Especially anatomy lessons... I somehow lost the compassion I used to have during the dissections, now I try to justify my harsh actions by the questionable "laws" of dominance without even checking twice... but I don't want to be my dog's boss. I want to be his partner, his best friend, just like he is my best companion. Will I ever be good enough for him?
Will I?

God... please, let this be a nightmare.
I want to wake up already.</sub>



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My girlfriend, my sister, my Dearest Uke, my twin-soul, and then my chibis:

[You dare touch any of them and I'll cut off your hand, because I'm merciful. Touch them the second time and I'LL BITE YA TO DEAD]

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I am Ike in the South Park Crew on dA

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